The Bard lives in the forest near Fleur de Lys and makes music in a glade near the troll bridge.

When Simon meets him, he is playing a sousaphone that he got cheap from a car boot sale that morning. After being asked to stop breathing, he refuses to give it to Simon, owing to him not believing in giving perfectly good instruments away. However Simon throws a melon into the sousaphone, rendering it silent, so the Bard gives it to him thinking he has a musical instrument repair shop. Simon never returns the sousaphone.